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"JEEP HUMOR"

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A REAL 4WHEEL DRIVE... ??.

1. IF YOU GO TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER AND COME BACK ON MONDAY WITHOUT IT?.. 2. IF YOU USE A HOSE TO CLEAN THE INSIDE AND OUTSIDE?. 3. WHEN A SCRATCH OR A DENT IS A BEAUTY MARK?. 4. YOU ROLL IT OVER AND DON'T GET UPSET?. 5. YOUR MOM CAN'T GET IN WITH OUT HELP?? 6. YOU JUDGE EVERY HILL BY HOW MUCH FUN IT WOULD TO BE CLIMB IT? 7. YOU PUKE WHEN YOU SEE A RAV4?.. 8. WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT THE WAVE IS AND YOU'RE NOT AFRAID TO USE IT?. 9. YOU GET CUSTOM PIN-STRIPPING FROM TRAIL BRUSH? 10.IF IT TAKES MORE THAN 6 HOURS TO GET DONUTS? 11.WHEN YOU PULL INTO THE UNPLOWED PARKING SPOTS ON SNOWY DAYS? 12.WHEN YOU TAKE YOUR FRIENDS WHEELING AND THEY SAY "WHAT TRAIL I DON'T SEE A TRAIL"... 13.YOUR FRIENDS WON'T RIDE WITH YOU, THEY DON'T WANT TO END UP IN THE BOONIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?. 14.WHEN YOUR BOSS ASK S HIS SECRETARY TO TELL YOU TO WASH YOUR VEHICLE? 15.WHEN YOU FINALLY WASH OFF THE MUD EVERYONE THINKS YOU BOUGHT A NEW VEHICLE? 16.WHEN YOU CAN SEE OVER A SUBURBAN?.. 17.YOU CARRY EMERGENCY SUPPLIES,CLOTHING,YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE YOU WILL END UP? 18.WHEN YOUR ROCKSLIDERS BATTLE ROCKS?..AND WIN?. 19.WHEN IT RAINS AND YOU DON'T CARE THAT YOUR TOP AND DOORS ARE HOME IN THE GARAGE?. 20.WHEN YOU DRIVE AROUND LOOKING AT XMAS LIGHTS TOPLESS?.. 21.WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR SPARK PLUGS IN THE PARKING LOT AT WORK ON A BREAK? 22.WHEN YOUR "PARTS DEPT" IS ON BLOCKS BEHIND YOUR HOUSE? 23.WHEN YOU TAKE YOUR WIFE WHEELING AND SHE HAS TO FLIP YOUR VEHICLE BACK ON IT'S WHEELS .. 24.WHEN YOU USE YOUR ICE SCRAPER ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR WINDSHIELD?. 25.YOU GET MORE HEAT FROM HOLES IN THE FLOORBOARDS THAN THROUGH THE HEATER VENTS? 26.PASSENGERS SCREAM "DON'T ROLL IT" WHEN RIDING WITH YOU?. 27.EVERY PAGE OF YOUR REPAIR MANUAL HAS GREASY FINGERPRINTS? 28.YOU SPEND MORE TIME UNDER YOUR VEHICLE THAN UNDER YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER? 29.WINTER COMES AND YOU CAN REMEMBER WHERE YOU PUT YOUR TOP? 30.WHEN THE MANAGER OF THE CARWASH WON'T LET YOU IN? 31.YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT SMILE WHEN YOU FIX EVERYTHING YOURSELF? 32.WHEN YOU THINK "MUD BROWN" SHOULD BE A FACTORY PAINT COLOR? 33.WHEN YOU SLAM THE DOOR AND CHUNKS OF DRIED MUD CRUMBLE TO THE GROUND.. 34.WHEN YOU FEEL SORRY FOR SOMEONE IN A $50,000 TOYOTA LAND CRUSIER.. 35.WHEN YOU HAVE ALL YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBERS MEMORIZED? 36.YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND REFUSETO GET IN IT? 37.YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE ON THE STREET WHO DOESN'T PLOW THEIR DRIVEWAY? 38.YOU CAN'T HEAR YOUR $5,000 STEREO OVER THE HOWL OF YOUR TIRES ON THE PAVEMENT? 39.YOU HAVE A HIGH-WATER MARK INSIDE THE VEHICLE 40. ANY TIRE THAT ISN'T WAIST HIGH LOOKS LIKE A BAGEL!!!!!!

TEN COMMANDMENTS

1. Thou shalt not misuse the name of Jeep.
2. Thou shalt not steal any Jeep property.
3. Thou shalt not murder on a Jeep jamboree or any other time.
4. Thou shall respect the land and the animals for they are what make off-road exciting.
5. Thou shall covet other Jeeps with respect,for they cost money.
6. Respect your father,mother,and neighbor,they one day may own a Jeep,should you want to drive it.
7. Thou shalt not give false testimony against Jeep,especially while telling a fish story.
8.Thou shalt not commit sale to another,without respect towards Jeep.
9. Thou shalt not purposely harm your Jeep vehicle or your neighbors Jeep.
10. Thou shall idol Jeep,for it was given to rejoice.

Written by:Adam Roberts


"Here are the top 10 clues that you might be a JEEPER:"

1. A new dent in the sheetmetal actually straightened out a few other dents,or you reckon it adds character.
2. You know a minimum of three 1-800 numbers to aftermarket off-road businesses by heart.
3. You are on a first-name basis with the guys at every local auto parts store.
4. You want to take things apart and rebuild them,even if they are not broken.
5. You have the monetary equivalent of a mercedes sedan invested,but your vehicle still looks like crap.
6. You consider starting a vehicle five times in any given minute a routine procedure.
7. You own a vehicle that weighs 1000 pounds more than when it came off the assembly line.
8. You look for Jeeps in movies and tv shows and try to identify the model and date of manufacture.
9. You are the type of person who immediately goes "postal" if you sit in a highway traffic jam for more than five minutes,yet you can spend six hours driving a total of one and a half miles and consider it a form of relaxation.
10. You understand a Jeep is a way of life, not just a means of transportation.


"GEO TRACKER"

When Chevy was about to introduce the first Geo 4wd.The president said to the engineers,"What should we call it?".One engineer jumped up and said "How about the Geo Tracker".The president said "that sounds like a winner!".After the meeting the president asked the engineer "What made him think of that name?".The engineer replyed,"It was simple,since it will have to follow a JEEP".Only in a Jeep...


"JEEPSCAPES"

HERE ARE A FEW WAYS TO TELL IF YOU ARE A JEEPSCAPE:
1. To stubborn to let someone else work on our babies.
2. To arrogant to admit that we don't know all there is to know about our babies.
3. To cheap to buy a new part when we can take the JB weld and patch it then spray paint it so it looks new.
4. And finally,would love to be able to field fix SOMEONE ELSE'S rig with the car batteries (welding)but dont even think about it on my baby!!!
If you fill any of these scenarios,then you just may be a JEEPSCAPE.

gone jeepin' n. 1. The act of being on a trail ride with jeeps.2. STATE OF MIND SIMILAR TO INSANITY.

Wash your XJ's windshield and the guy behind you too!

This really isn't as much a tech tip as a joke on your friend in the JEEP behind you.If you have an XJ I know this will work.I discovered that if you wash your windshield at speeds over 55 mph with another JEEP following you that the fluid sprays nicely onto thier windshield too.No harm just kinda annoying when you just get a little mist and a lot of bugs! Great for amusing yourself on the way to a trail run or on the way home.(just bend a little to make work)

~~~PROFOUND TRIVIA~~~

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming in terror like his JEEP passengers!!!
Duct tape is THE FORCE...it has a dark side,it has a light side,and it holds the universe together.
Had God not driven man from the Garden of Eden,A JEEP would have!

THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME

Forget the snap-on truck;it's never there when you need it.Besides,there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any JEEP,any place,any time.

1.Duct tape:Not just a tool,a veritable swiss army knife in stickum and plastic.It's safety wire,bodymaterial,radiator hose,upholstery,insulation,tow rope,and more in one easy-to-carry package.Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions,but in the real world everything from Lemans-winning Porsches to Atlas rockets-uses it by the yard.The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.

2.Vice-grips:Equally adept as a wrench,hammer,pliers,baling wire twister,breaker-off of frozen bolts,and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off tool.The heavy artillery of your toolbox,vice-grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

3.Spray lubricants:a considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,alternators,and other squeky items.Slicker than pig phlegm.Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand.Strangely enough,an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed,one of the worst ten tools of all time.

4.Margarine tubs with clear lids:If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner,it's because you eat butter.Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas,just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterwards.(Some,of course,chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the parallel universe of lost frendle pins.

5.Big rock at the side of the road:Block up a tire.Smack corroded battery terminals.pound out a dent.Bop noisy know-it-alls in the head.Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone.This is the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.

6.Plastic zip ties:After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and wired with old bread ties,some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market.Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness.Of course,it works both ways. When buying used Jeeps,subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood

7.Ridiculously large standard screwdriver with lifetime guarantee:Lets admit it.There's nothing better for prying,chiseling,lifting,breaking,splitting,or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver,particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer.This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other.If you break the screwdriver-and you will,just like dad or your shop teacher said-who cares?It's guaranteed.

8.Bailing wire:Commonly known as MG muffler brackets,bailing wire holds anything thats too hot for tape or ties.Like duct tape,it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again.Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles,particularly with MG,Triumph, and flathead Ford set.

9.Bonking stick:This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod-end spreader,but how often do you separate tie rod ends?Once every decade,if your lucky.Other than medievel combat,its real use is the all purpose application of undue force,not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch,of course, but does a lousy job of it.)

10. A quarter and a phone booth:(See #1 above.)

THE TEN COMMANDS OF FOUR WHEELING

Thou shalt not dismantle 4x4 engines in thy living room.
Thou shalt not pirate partsfrom thy family vehicle for use on the 4x4.
Thou shalt not parkthy 4x4 in thy garage and let thy family car sit outside.
Thou shalt not use thy grocery money to repair thy 4x4.
Thou shalt stay home at least one week-end a year to mow thy lawn.
Thou shalt not covet thy 4x4 and forsake thy wife and children.
Thou shalt not take strange and beautiful girls on moon-light wheeling trips (unless they are married to you.)
Thou shalt not steal thy wifes undies to use for oil rags.

WHEN THOU BREAKEST DOWN

Thou shalt not look at new vehicles until thou hast made at least one payment on thine own.
Thou shalt wash thy family car at least once for every fifteen times thou washes thy 4x4.

By following these simple commandments and a little of luck,you may just be able to keep thy 4x4 and thy wife happy....Good luck....

You Might Be a Jeeper If...

You've ever ask your wench for a winch You've ever ask Santa for a locker You've gotten a Christmas card from UPS You've shared a Jeep commercial with your friends You've been completely covered in mud, and happy about it You know all the salesmans names at the Jeep dealership You call Tomken, and they know who you are You have more than one size of tire for your Jeep You carry more tools and parts than camping gear You "wonder where that trail goes" You consider drinking beer at the off-road shop "A night on the town" You name your Jeep You constantly scan the road for other Jeeps You talk to other Jeep owners you have never met at drive-ins, mall parking lots, traffic jams, etc... You can tell the brand of mud tire from the sound You remember part numbers easier than your spouses birthday You have an account at the local off-road store Your credit card bill has ever had more than 6 Jeep related items

A friend forever, a friend today. Goes through mud, like snow and sleigh. Crawls up rocks in an eloquent way, Not just a Jeep, it's an XJ.

You know you're a "Real Four Wheeler" when...

- You'll stop and look at any old rusty heap thinking "Parts Vehicle....." - Your rig has more [farm/boat/military/other vehicle manufacturer] equipment on it than OEM parts

- The weatherman says "Stay in, it's dangerous" and you think "Time to go 'wheeling!"

- You're happy that you can't use 1st gear on the street.

- A military convoy passes by and you only look at the axles, tires, and antennas

- You take your SO out to look at new home construction sites so you can drive on the unfinished roads.

- You have enough straps, chains, rope, etc. in your rig to keep the Queen Mary docked during a hurricane.

- You can break down on the road, diagnose/fix the problem, and get back on the road without calling AAA.

- You break down on the road, fix the problem, and get back on the road on a regular basis. :-)

- The AAA guy breaks down, you stop and fix his problem and get back on the road.

- You have a brand new set of tires, but you keep looking at the tire ads, anyway.

- You'll drive 2 days at 500 miles per day so you can spend 2 more days driving 3 miles per day.

- You get really steamed because you spent over an hour to go the 10 miles home for work on Friday, but are grinning ear to ear because you just spent 6 hours going 4 miles on your favorite trail on Saturday!

- Your CB has never been on Ch. 19, only Ch 4.

- You set up your rig to have a top speed of 65-70 mph - on purpose.

- When you pull up next to a Corvette, all the 'Vette driver can see is tires and whatever is on the other side of you.

- You challenge the 'Vette driver to a race . . . if you can pick the course.

- You have more pictures of your rig than of your kids.

- You spend more time deciding which $3.00 bushing to use than you do on personal hygiene.

- You think Santa's sleigh would look good with a 4" lift.

- Parts catalogs with items circled mysteriously appear on your S.O.' coffee table before Christmas.

- You're sitting here reading this message while your wife is waiting fo you in bed. ....whoops, g'night all. :^)

Three mechanics were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first mechanic finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two, he says, "At Ford, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second mechanic finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Chevrolet, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.

The third mechanic finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "At Jeep, we don't pee on our hands."

Why Jeeps Are Better Than Women

1. Jeeps don't get pregnant.

2. You can drive your Jeep any time of the month. 3. Jeeps don't have parents. 4. Jeeps don't whine unless something is really wrong. 5. You can share your Jeep with your friends. 6. Jeeps don't care how many other Jeeps you've ridden. 7. When driving, you and your Jeep can arrive at the same time. 8. Jeeps don't care how many other Jeeps you have. 9. Jeeps don't care if you look at other Jeeps. 10. Jeeps don't care if you buy Jeep magazines. 11. You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Jeep" unless you go out to buy one yourself. 12. If your Jeep goes flat you can fix it. 13. If your Jeep is too loose you can tighten it. 14. If your Jeep is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it. 15. You can have a black Jeep and bring it home to your parents. 16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Jeep. 17. If you say bad things to your Jeep, you don't have to apologize before you drive it again. 18. You can drive your Jeep as long as you want and it won't get sore. 19. You can stop driving your Jeep as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated. 20. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Jeep after you dump it. 21. Jeeps don't get headaches. 22. Jeeps don't insult you if you're a bad driver. 23. Your Jeep never wants a night out with the other Jeeps. 24. Jeeps don't care if you're late. 25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your Jeep. 26. If your Jeep doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts. 27. You can ride your Jeep the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother. 28. The only protection you have to wear when riding your Jeep is a decent seatbelt. 29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great drive you had the last time you were in your Jeep. 30. Your Jeep in never embarrassed to go topless in public. 31. You only have to feed your Jeep when you use it. 32. A rocky relationship with your Jeep is actually fun. 33. Jeeps don't care how much money you spend on them. 34. You don't have to remember your Jeep's birthday, when you first met, or anniversaries. 35. You can feel free to remark about how much better your jeep is riding lately. 36. Jeeps don't leak for 10 minutes after you drive them hard.

Here's my 12-step program for those similiarly afflicted:

1. Be prepared to spend a lot, and if you want to do it right, I mean a lot, of $money$.

2. When it comes to brand-name, it's all just opinion, always.

3. You really have to love your truck.

4. Research, Study, Learn, Repeat...

5. It will never happen the way it was supposed to in Step #4.

6. It can actually be relaxing to simply crawl under your truck after work and just look.

7. If you wait, something better will always come along.

8. Don't be afraid of drilling, cutting, and/or removing metal. You'll have to sooner of later.

9. Never forget the last time you got stuck.

10. Always help out fellow off-roaders when possible. Karma, you know...

11. If nobody can tell that you were there, you did it right.

12. If you have 400 miles till home on a Sunday night, and you're smiling, it's all worth it.

Hope you had fun,and happy wheelin.

"JEEP,DRIVE LIKE YOU MEAN IT"

You can snail mail me if you dont like E-MAIL.

@ Dennis Basinger
RD #1 Box 19A
Dunbar,Pa. #15431

MY HOME PAGE
PG.#2 of my site (MY ACTION SHOT'S)
PG.#3 of my site (MY TECH PAGE)
PG.#4 of my site (MY ODD'S & END'S PAGE)
PG.#6 of my site (My links,JEEP history,& the rules of JEEP waving!)





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